


Half Agony, Half Hope

by chiarascura



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Sweethearts, M/M, Minor Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus, Modern AU, Transphobia, jane austen inspired, minor Bethany/Sebastian, minor FemHawke/Isabela
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-23 13:15:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6117586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiarascura/pseuds/chiarascura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten years ago, Felix Alexius and Carver and Bethany Hawke spent every summer inseparable. Then he moved back to Minrathous, and they haven't spoken since. Now as the Tevinter Ambassador to Kirkwall, he's thrust back into their social circle and has to remind himself he has moved on. Meanwhile, Carver Hawke has grown up and become a successful engineer, and still holds a grudge.  </p><p>A modern FeVer fic inspired by Jane Austen's <i>Persuasion</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the natural sequence of an unnatural beginning

Felix had trained for years in keeping a placid expression while this mind raced elsewhere, but somehow the Kirkwall nobility made it more difficult than usual. He took a sip of the cocktail in his hand, nodding at whatever drivel Lady de Launcet was spouting, to mask his apathy. Something about decor in a rival’s home not being made of Orlesian lace.  
  
A photographer walked up and gestured with his camera. Felix smiled politely as the flash went off, wondering which paper the image would appear in the next morning. He could only hope that someone would get drunk and fall into the fountain in the garden, or something else equally embarrassing, to keep him out of the society pages.  
  
Lady de Launcet must have seen someone else, likely more powerful than just a Tevinter Ambassador, and excused herself. Felix breathed a sigh of relief and finished his cocktail.  
  
He glanced around the room and tried to keep the low-level anxiety in his stomach calm. The band’s smooth jazz and the soft murmur of chatter in the room felt familiar, and for a few moments he watched the caterers slink through the crowd with trays of hors d’oeuvres. Lady Amell’s home felt more welcoming and less ostentatious than other homes he had visited in the past month, but he couldn’t be at ease when he knew there were attendees he would rather not see.  
  
Bethany Hawke appeared from the crowd, as if she could read his mind. “Felix! How good to see you!” She was so familiar, and he felt an ache in his chest.  
  
Felix smiled genuinely and air kissed both cheeks in greeting. “Bethany, my dear, you look wonderful!” She beamed, and the lack of artifice was refreshing. It had been ten years since they had met, when he left Lothering for the final time. “I’ve heard that you’ve risen to Senior Enchanter, you have my congratulations.”  
  
Bethany beamed, and Felix was transported back in time to when that smile was more familiar than his own. They were young then, spending hours exploring the haunts around her hometown. For years, he still considered Bethany one of his best friends, even if they never actually spoke.  
  
“Thank you, Felix! It’s a bit of a learning curve, since they run the senior research a little differently than the one at Kinloch, but I’m enjoying it greatly. I’ve heard big things about you as well, how is Tevinter now that you’re on track to be a Magister?”  
  
Felix smiled graciously and told her about the infighting at the Magisterium, the factions and the backbiting. All the training he received from his father to hold his seat, and hopefully rise higher after that. As they caught up, sharing the facts of their lives in the past ten years, Bethany led him to a private study. It felt as though no time at all had passed, even though he knew that was untrue.  
  
“Tell me about your family. I know your sister has the Senate seat now. My condolences on your mother’s passing.” Felix gripped Bethany’s hand in sympathy, and Bethany smiled at him.  
  
“Thank you. It was a shock, but.” She looked away, and Felix squeezed her hand. “That’s the way it goes.” It had been less than a year, and Felix knew it must still have been a raw pain. He wished there was something he could do to help, but after being absent for so long, it felt like a hollow gesture.  
  
“And, your… sister.” Felix swallowed the words he wanted to say, knowing he would be too obvious. The sparkle returned to Bethany’s eye, and she definitely knew what he was thinking. He had often wondered if mind-reading was part of her magic. “The new Lady Amell of the Kirkwall Senate seems to be flourishing here.”  
  
“Oh yes, you know her. She loves the intrigue, playing the nobility against each other, causing general chaos.” Bethany shook her head at her sister’s antics. “My brother is here as well, but I have a feeling you knew that.”  
  
Felix had enough practice in political situations to not blush, but the anxiety in his belly swelled. “I heard something like that.” He took another drink and forced his thoughts away. “He is well?”  
  
Bethany smirked, too perceptive for her own good. “He is. His shop is expanding steadily, and he’s been singled out for a couple of city council awards, helping small businesses or something.” Bethany waved her hand, as if she was not just as excited by her twin’s successes as he was.  
  
Felix nodded, trying to play it cool, like he hadn’t followed Carver’s rise in the newspapers. Southern affairs were never a front-page matter in Tevinter, but he made sure to keep an email alert for anytime the name Hawke made it into the news. He told himself it was strictly for political reasons, but. He was an adult, and he could lie to himself if he wanted.  
  
As he opened his mouth to change the topic, Bethany interrupted. “I don’t think he knows you’re here. Marian didn’t mention that you’d be at this party to me, so I’m sure she would have kept it from him as well.” She waited for a beat. “Have you talked to him? Since, you know. Since you left?”  
  
Felix paused, swallowed. “No, I haven’t. I didn’t… I don’t think it would be appropriate.”  
  
Bethany watched him, her eyes piercing and somehow all-knowing. “If you think that’s best,” she said.  
  
Felix looked away. They hadn’t parted on good terms, and Felix blamed himself. They had both been so young, and Felix hadn’t known what he wanted out of life. Now that he did, he also knew it was too late.  
  
As the silence stretched awkwardly between them, Felix not knowing what to say and Bethany waiting for him to say it, Marian burst through the door. Felix startled in his seat and then immediately turned away, as he realized Marian was frantically undressing the woman in her arms.  
  
“Marian! There are people in here!” Bethany’s shrill voice broke through to Marian, and she almost dropped the other woman.  
  
“Sorry, sis. Isabela got a little handsy.” Her voice lacked any real apology and the woman, Isabela apparently, shot them a smirk.  
  
Felix looked back and tried to smile, knowing this would probably end badly. “Hello, Marian. It’s good to see you.”  
  
Marian’s easy smile dropped from her face. “Ambassador Alexius, hello. I thought I saw your name on the guest list, but I didn’t actually expect you to show up.” The temperature in the room dropped, and Felix felt the chill in her voice keenly.  
  
This was a mistake. He stood and set his glass on a low table. “Ah, yes. Well.” He nodded to Bethany. “It was lovely to see you, darling, and I hope you can come visit for tea soon.” Her eyes were sympathetic, too sympathetic, and he had to turn away. He dipped his head in goodbye to Marian and her paramour, and he slipped out of the study door.  
  
He kept his eyes on the floor as he left, berating himself for the weakness, the hope he held out that maybe the family had forgiven him, maybe Carver—  
  
He stepped outside into the chilly Kirkwall night, hailed a cab, and made his way back to the hotel.


	2. worse than strangers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bethany invites Felix to the Hanged Man for Wicked Grace with the squad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emotional whiplash in this one oops

When Felix received the note from Bethany, he was slightly suspicious. He trusted her, even after ten years apart, but he also knew how she thought as a kid. Devious and manipulative, but good-hearted and too darn cute to ever be called on it.   
  
He later realized he was far less suspicious than he should have been.  
  
The Hanged Man was a dive, and Felix briefly wondered what could possibly have attracted Bethany to this place. An old jukebox played a song at least 20 years old from its spot in the corner, three billiards table covered half of the bar, and the rickety wooden stairs leading toward a back area didn’t look like they could hold his weight.   
  
There was no sign of Bethany as he scanned the floor through the haze of cigarette smoke. He thumbed through his phone at the bar, feeling out of place in his fashionable robes, sensing the questioning stares from what he assumed were the regular patrons seated in dim booths.   
  
Suddenly, Bethany was at his side. “You came!” He was slightly offended at the surprise in her bright voice, but he tamped it down. He deserved that.  
  
“I couldn’t say no to a request from you.” She smiled at the flattery. After ordering a large round of drinks, she led him up the stairs, through a curtain and into the back rooms of the Hanged Man.   
  
The room was only slightly brighter than the main floor, but the smaller size made it feel cozier and less shadowed. Many people sat around the table, drinking, chatting, and playing cards. Most were strangers to him, but he did note the Viscount, Marian, the woman she was kissing the other night leaning on the man beside her—   
  
Carver. Felix wasn’t prepared for this. He felt like he was punched in the chest at the unexpected sight, and he allowed himself only a second to examine the man. He was just a boy when they met, fifteen and tall and gangly with baby fat in his cheeks. Freckles scattered across his skin, tanned from all the time he spent outside in the sun, and his blue eyes reminded him of the lake near his father’s summer home. Felix can still see the child in him, underneath the full beard, the shoulders now bulky with muscle, the weight in the lines around his eyes. He laughed, unconcerned with the scantily clad woman hanging off his shoulder, and his whole face lit up.   
  
Felix felt his world tilt a little, and of course that’s the moment Carver looked up.  
  
Their eyes locked and Felix swallowed. He was transported back ten years, when he and Carver were just happy children, unconcerned with the world outside their bubble.  
  
His family’s summer home in Lothering was the site of many good memories for him. He spent five summers there inseparable from Bethany and Carver. Until the last summer, after which Felix returned to Minrathous for good and his father sold the house.   
  
The surprise in Carver’s eyes hardened, turning dull as he looked back down at his cards. Felix felt an unpleasant roiling in his belly, and he moved to follow Bethany to the other side of the room. He sat down beside her, on the opposite side of the table and four people away from Carver.   
  
Everyone else was quite friendly, and drew Felix into conversation with little difficulty. The Viscount dealt him into the next hand of Wicked Grace, and Felix seemed to hold his own despite not having played since his last year at the Circle in Minrathous.   
  
Bethany introduced him around the table. He knew Marian, Bethany, Carver (who kept his eyes averted, only grunting as Bethany pointed him out), and Varric Tethras, Viscount of Kirkwall, but as she pointed out the other seated people, Felix couldn’t help think that he stumbled into a secret meeting of the most high-profile figures in Kirkwall somehow. Lady Seeker Cassandra Pentaghast, one of the Pentaghasts in line for the Nevarran throne and head of the Seeker Order; Divine Victoria, called Leliana informally here; Prince Sebastian Vael of Starkhaven; Guard-Captain Aveline Hendyr; Captain Isabela of the Siren’s Call II (although he wasn’t sure if that was a real title or invented); if they weren’t all so drunk, Felix would wonder if something more sinister were happening besides this party, some plot he should be aware of.   
  
Isabela kept shooting him these _looks_ across the table, ones he didn’t know how to interpret, and Marian and Carver ignored him completely. Bethany tried her best to include him, to compensate for their coldness with friendliness, but Felix just felt like an outsider with the people he once called family.  
  
“So, Felix, how do you know our Bethany?” asked Prince Sebastian as he folded his hand. Bethany smiled from where she sat beside him.  
  
Felix kept his eyes on the Prince, not allowing them to dart to the end of the table where Carver sat. “I spent several summers in Lothering on holiday. You could say we grew up together.”   
  
Bethany sat perched on the edge of her chair, practically in the Prince’s lap. “We spent so much time running all over the farm and his father’s property, I hardly think we went inside except to eat and sleep.” Bethany’s eyes twinkled and Felix knew she was about to say something terribly embarrassing. “I remember one time we played this game called Big Container where—“  
  
“And it was very boring and we went to sleep immediately and that’s the end of that story,” Felix interrupted, and the others laughed kindly.   
  
“Come on, Sunshine, tell us the rest of that story.” Viscount Tethras’ pleading drew another secretive smile from Bethany. Felix swore to appeal to Mae for some dirt on the man when he got back to Minrathous; surely being her husband’s cousin provided for something.  
  
“Well,” she began with a devious smile. Felix buried his face in his hands, knowing what was coming.   
  
He could hear Carver groan from his spot at the end of the table with a “Bethy, don’t!”   
  
“Big Container is exactly as it sounds. You fill a ‘big container,’ in our case a pitcher, with different types of alcohol, and you drink it. Marian was old enough to by liquor then, so we weaseled it out of her.”  
  
Marian scoffed. “I had no hand in this debauchery, and I don’t condone any kind of underage drinking.” Varric, Isabela, Bethany and Carver all snorted in tandem.   
  
“Anyway, so we had two types of flavored vodka, ale, Mom’s wine and dad’s favorite Scotch, combined them in this pitcher, and mixed it up. It tastes exactly how you would imagine. Then, you drink as much as you can while the others chant, ‘Big container, big container, Felix is drinking from the big container!’” Bethany started laughing at the memory, and Felix felt his face redden even further.  
  
“What an awful game,” Aveline said dryly. Cassandra scoffed in agreement.   
  
“So,” Bethany continued after catching her breath. “I went first, couldn’t drink for more than two seconds, and I felt like I was going to vomit. Carver drank at least three enormous gulps before he had to put it down. Apparently, Felix wanted to show off that day, so he looked at the thing, more than halfway full mind you, and finished it. Finished the rest of the pitcher.”   
  
Felix shook his head at the memory. He remembered quite vividly wanting to impress his friends and thinking _oh yeah, that’s nothing. I can handle it_. That was his last full memory of the night.  
  
When he tuned back in, Bethany was telling the worst part of the story. “…We follow him through the forest only by his clothes scattered like a trail of breadcrumbs and find him falling head-first into the lake. Carver had to dive in and save him from drowning, poor thing.” The whole table roared at the image of teenaged Ambassador Alexius drunk off his ass.   
  
“I blacked out the whole thing, so I have to assume Bethany is making most of that story up.” Felix’s face burned with embarrassment, but it wasn’t as painful as he remembered it being. He studiously avoided looking down the table.  
  
“You think that’s a story? I’ll tell you a story. There’s a game called ‘The Bitch,’” Sebastian began. He launched into an embarrassing tale about his own debauched younger years, and Felix felt time slipping away much more easily. Aveline followed with a story of Marian and she playing another game called ‘Ride the Bus’ that ended in more nudity and an almost-arrest for public intoxication.   
  
He relaxed and drank and laughed and lost several hands of cards, but overall it was a better night than he anticipated.   
  
He certainly did not stare at Carver, or notice how handsy Marian’s friend Isabela was with him, or how gentle he was with the elf on the other side of him, clearly helping when she was confused about some aspect of the game. Sometimes Carver would catch his eye, and Felix always looked away first.   
  
After Felix had lost several hands in a row, Varric deemed him the next person to buy a round for the table. Despite drinking several mugs of ale, he managed to get down the stairs and to the bar with no further incidents. He was pleasantly muzzy and for the first time that evening, he didn’t feel full of dread or shame. He wasn’t usually this anxious, but. Extenuating circumstances, he supposed. Bethany’s friends were sweet and inclusive, and it was going better than expected.  
  
He lifted the tray of drinks and ever so slowly, ever so carefully, walked back up the stairs to the Viscount’s suite. He noticed absently that Carver and the elven woman were no longer seated where he had seen them last. With effort, he dismissed the thought and focused on placing drinks in front of each person without spilling.  
  
As he went to return the tray to the bar, he heard voices down the hall. He never intended to eavesdrop, but he heard his name. If they were talking about him, that meant he was allowed to listen in, right? It made sense to the drunk part of him.  
  
“…He seems so nice, and Bethany invited him.” The voice belonged to the elven woman, the one whose name he couldn’t remember.   
  
“She’s too nice for her own good sometimes.” Carver sounded angry, bitter, jaded, and Felix’s stomach swooped unpleasantly. “She’s got too soft a heart. Bloody Tevinter, probably here to stir up shit anyway.”  
  
“Now, now, that’s uncalled for. He has been perfectly polite, and I don’t think Bethany, for all her soft heart, would let him get away with being a mean old Magister. Is that what he’s called?”  
  
Carver chuckled, and the sound was so familiar that Felix closed his eyes and felt himself back in Lothering. Every time he made Carver laugh, he counted it as a win, and if he imagined hard enough, he could pretend this laughter was for him again.  
  
“He’s just so spineless. He moved away and we literally never heard from him again. Now he waltzes back in and wants everything to be the way it was?” Carver snorted. “Not if I can help it.”  
  
Felix’s heart sank. His stomach felt like it fell into his shoes, and everything that was so pleasant a few moments ago was now terrible. He heard the woman murmur something, but couldn’t make it out.  
  
“No, you know what, no. If someone hides behind his daddy’s skirts and won’t take responsibility for himself, for abandoning his friends and never talking to them again, not even a bloody text message, then he doesn’t get my sympathy. All he wanted was to go and be a Magister, and if he was so easily persuaded to—“ Carver broke off suddenly.  
  
Felix had heard enough. He made his way back down the stairs, each step more painful than the last, and walked out of the bar. This was his punishment for eavesdropping on Carver, for betraying his trust: he had to hear Carver’s real thoughts about him now, and relive this moment again and again in his head for the next eternity.   
  
He would apologize to Bethany about leaving without a goodbye tomorrow.


	3. a remainder of former sentiment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bethany gets married, Felix talks to his father and also to Carver.

The ceremony was lovely. Bethany, dressed in her finest robes with flowers braided into her dark hair, looked every inch an ecstatic blushing bride. The Prince of Starkhaven could not have appeared any more besotted, and their love match was well-received by the people and the nobility alike.   
  
Beside Felix, Bull pulled out a handkerchief to dab at his eyes. Dorian affectionately patted him on the shoulder. “There, there, Amatus, yes it was a beautiful ceremony, but I don’t know why you still get all emotional at these events. You big softie.”   
  
The Chantry pews brimmed with family, friends, and gawking interlopers. When the Divine officiates a wedding herself, it quickly becomes the event of the season. It worked out well for Felix, who had been in Tevinter for the two months previous and this was an excellent moment to network and catch up with every big name in the city. He didn’t want to stay away from Minrathous any longer than was necessary, so if he could get it all out of the way at an event that he actually wanted to participate in, all the better. Minrathous was growing more and more dangerous by the day, with Maeveris’ Lucerni party growing steadily larger and the backlash it inspired from the more traditional conservative parties.  
  
Bull sniffled and wrapped an arm around Dorian, pulling him in to kiss his temple, both more freely affectionate than at home. Felix politely turned back to the altar where Bethany and Sebastian spoke their vows, the love clear in their eyes even from his seat halfway back. He always seemed to forget how long these ceremonies took, with the chanting and the incense and the endless prayers.   
  
—    
  
Felix scanned the crowd from his place in the receiving line, waiting to greet the happy families. He kept his fidgeting to a minimum as they queued and tried to focus on watching everyone else enjoy the reception.   
  
“Calm down, or you’ll start sweating through your robes,” Dorian said under his breath. “There’s no need to be so anxious.” Sometimes Dorian’s unnatural ability to read Felix was a blessing, but right now it just added to his irritation.   
  
“Easy for you to say.” Dorian had nothing to worry about. He was here with Bull, both of them disgustingly in love, and Felix was facing down another interaction with Carver. Felix hadn’t endeared himself to Carver the last time they met, and he wasn’t entirely sure how the man would react to his presence. Surely he must know Bethany had invited him; his sister wouldn’t spring a surprise like that on him. Again.   
  
The memory of his face being ambushed at the Hanged Man punched a sigh out of him, and Dorian’s hand came to rest on his shoulder. “If you start tapping your foot one more time, I’m going to remove it,” Dorian said without heat.  
  
Finally, they reached the front of the line where the family waited to greet each guest. Felix took a deep breath and put on a smile.   
  
Sebastian’s family had died many years before, and so only Hawkes and the groom himself stood to receive guests. First was Lady Amell. Marian shook his hand politely, but went no further than that. “Ambassador Alexius, what a pleasure to see you again.” Her face held no warmth or any indication they knew each other beyond his occasional visits to Kirkwall as an Ambassador.   
  
Felix bowed slightly. “The pleasure is all mine, Lady Amell, though I am no longer Ambassador. Just Altus once again.” This distinction did not change Marian’s cold expression, and Felix moved forward to where Bethany stood.   
  
“Felix! I’m so glad to see you!” She threw her arms around his neck and Felix found himself laughing in relief.   
  
“You look beautiful, Beth. Congratulations.” She squeezed him for another second and then pulled away to hang off the arm of her new husband. Felix shook Prince Sebastian’s hand. “And to you, Your Serene Highness.” Sebastian nodded and replaced his arms around Bethany’s waist, neither able to separate themselves.   
  
“I didn’t know if you would come, honestly.” Bethany sounded tired, as a bride at a function this grand would be.  
  
Felix kept his eyes on Bethany, did not let them stray to any other reasons for attending. “I wouldn’t miss your big day for the world, love.” Her eyes were bright with happiness and Felix regretted yet another part of the last ten years, where he missed out on Bethany’s friendship.   
  
A delicate cough came from beside him, and Felix did not roll his eyes. “Bethany, may I introduce First Enchanter Dorian Pavus of the Minrathous Circle, I assume you two are aware of each other as leaders of your respective Circles, and the Iron Bull of the Bull’s Chargers.”   
  
Bethany shook their hands. “Yes, First Enchanter Dorian and I have communicated quite regularly, and I’ve followed your articles in the _Journal of Advanced Magical Theory_. It’s good to finally meet you.”   
  
“The pleasure is all mine, Highness.” Felix rolled his eyes at Dorian’s smooth introduction and the way he bent low to kiss the back of her hand. “I believe I currently have your article on my desk for review, ‘Investigating the Affects of the Life-Ward Spell on Cell Regeneration?’ Quite well done, my dear.”   
  
Bethany flushed and immediately launched into a discussion of her research that Felix could not follow. Felix and Bull shared a look as she and Dorian started talking shop. Felix turned to Sebastian. “I wish you all the best, and I hope to see more of you in the future.” Sebastian returned the sentiment and Felix pulled gently on Dorian’s arm to let the happy couple greet more guests.   
  
Felix felt the butterflies welling in his chest, but kept a lid on it as he moved on. Carver was the last person in the receiving line, and his face could have been carved from stone. Felix swallowed and rolled his shoulders back, trying to project more confidence than he actually felt.   
  
Carver wore a navy suit with a black shirt and tie beneath. Felix’s eyes followed the breadth of his shoulders and the slim line of the jacket to his narrow hips. His beard looked neatly trimmed and his hair gelled away from his face. Felix wondered if Bethany had to fight him to put so much product on him, or if maybe that was another changed thing since he knew them. It was possible he liked getting dressed up and doing his hair, instead of actively avoiding wearing more than a t-shirt and jeans.  
  
“Altus Alexius.” The use of his proper title made Felix wonder if Carver had been listening to his interactions with the other Hawkes. His eyes were still cold and his posture rigid; he didn’t reach out to shake Felix’s hand, so Felix kept his own arms by his sides.   
  
“Serrah Hawke.” Felix plastered on a smile. “Congratulations.” Carver inclined his head and his eyes slid to Dorian. Felix introduced his companions once again, and felt Dorian’s hand curl around his arm possessively. Carver’s eyes darted to it and then back up, his face betraying none of his feelings towards the gesture.  
  
Felix only barely stopped his eyes from rolling. On the way to Kirkwall, Dorian tried to talk Felix into pretending to be his date to make Carver jealous, but Felix had said absolutely not. Carver wouldn’t be jealous over someone he didn’t care about and he certainly didn’t care about Felix any longer, and the Iron Bull didn’t deserve to be pushed aside like that. After their little display during the ceremony, Felix figured Dorian had let that idea go. And yet it seemed that Dorian was full steam ahead anyway, if the way he leaned over Felix to shake Carver’s hand was any indication.   
  
“Serrah Hawke,” Dorian said, and Felix heard the smooth tone with a hint of acid, the one Dorian usually reserved for Magisters he planned to destroy. “It is so good to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.”   
  
Carver’s eyes narrowed and Felix thought he would choke on the rising tension. Bull coughed politely and shook Carver’s hand. Felix scrambled to get out a goodbye, and led Dorian towards their table by his elbow. “I know what you’re doing, and you need to stop it,” he hissed.   
  
The next hour of the reception was unremarkable. Besides Dorian and Bull, Felix sat at a table with several Orlesian nobles who were dreadfully dull. Their conversation consisted entirely of gossip and rumors about people Felix didn’t know and didn’t care about. Maybe he should have been listening, as a good politician would, but his thoughts were too frazzled at the moment. Dorian and Bull kept their heads together, whispering in that way lovers do, and Felix found it all a bit overwhelming.  
  
When the string quartet struck a lively tune, the lights dimmed at the tables and lit up the dance floor, and Felix found himself watching the twirling couples more than attending the Orlesians beside him. After the bride and groom’s first dance, the floor filled with people ready to celebrate. Bethany and Sebastian slow danced to every song regardless of tempo, lost to the outside world in their own bubble of bliss and matrimony. It was quite romantic and Bull got teary again.  
  
Felix noticed Carver dancing with the same elven woman he met at the Wicked Grace game in Kirkwall. He was ashamed to admit that he had pulled some strings to find out her name was Merrill; she owned a daycare for alienage children, and by all accounts she seemed to be a good person. She was quite beautiful, with delicate lines across her face, thin physique and short dark hair. Carver and she made quite an attractive pair, Felix recognized with a pang.   
  
Felix rose to his feet. “I’m going outside for a moment, to get some air.” Dorian looked concerned, but Felix waved him off.

The balcony was peaceful, if not entirely quiet. A few couples affected by the romance of the wedding scattered here and there, but Felix found an open space on the balustrade. He leaned out, stone cold beneath his elbows, to look over the gardens into the empty darkness. This palace was owned by a nobleman, a friend of the Divine’s, who graciously leant it to the happy couple for their reception.   
  
Felix sighed deeply and ran a hand through his hair. He had tried to mentally prepare himself for seeing Carver again. He knew intellectually that he would not miss his twin’s wedding, so Felix knew a confrontation would happen. And it had. He just hadn’t expected it to take so much out of him.   
  
Especially seeing him dance with the elven woman, Merrill.   
  
Before he could fall too deeply into his thoughts, his phone went off. The screen flashed “Dad” and Felix tapped the screen to his forehead with another sigh, this more exasperated than wistful. Of course his father would call right at the moment he was exhausted and pining.  
  
“Hi, Dad.”   
  
“Felix! How’s the wedding?” Gereon sounded lively. When Felix expressed reluctance at coming to the wedding, Gereon had steamrolled right over his objections to focus on the political possibilities at such a huge event. Felix couldn’t find it in himself to be surprised the man would call in the middle of it to get an update.   
  
“It was lovely. Bethany looked absolutely radiant.”  
  
“Princess Bethany of Starkhaven, would you look at that. Who would have thought all those years ago that she’d be a princess one day. Those children really have risen, haven’t they?”  
  
Felix gritted his teeth to stop himself from shouting through the phone. “Dad, come on. Don’t do this. We’ve been over this.”  
  
“Do what? They started as farm kids in the backwoods of Ferelden, and look how high they’ve risen. Lady Amell, Princess of Starkhaven, I’m just saying I’m impressed, that’s something to be proud of.”  
  
“They’re more than just their titles. They were good people before all that. Having a title isn’t necessarily something to be proud of.”  
  
His father continued talking, seeming not to hear him. “It’s too bad the boy couldn’t rise with them, the one you liked so much. What’s he doing, still working with cars?” The dismissive chuckle boiled Felix’s blood.  
  
The instinct to defend Carver still lingered and he couldn’t stop the rush of words that burst forth. “No, Dad, he’s not just the mechanic boy you remember. Hawke Auto Repair and Sales shops are the largest growing small business in the Free Marches, and he was featured on _The Marches_ Magazine Rising Stars List last year for the auto boom his shops caused. On top of that, he’s a highly respected engineer and he fundamentally changed the way auto makers utilize lyrium dust now.”  
  
“Now, Felix—“ his father tried to interrupt.  
  
Felix steamrolled on. “His engines are more efficient without sacrificing speed or horsepower, which is something the manufacturers love. You know the Emprise Hivernal you’re driving? He worked on that. You can’t be so quick to dismiss him! He’s grown up so much and he’s a bloody good person, and you can’t just spurn him because he grew up in Ferelden. He’s—”   
  
Felix pressed two fingers to the bridge of his nose, breathing heavily and trying to stave off the headache that often came with having this conversation. Despite everything, his father was still obsessed with peoples’ rank in society and who they knew, rather than what they did or who they were. It infuriated Felix every time they talked about this very subject, though rarely about Carver specifically, and the conversation just brought back bad memories.   
  
“Is that so? I had no idea. Maybe he is on the upswing as well. Have you spoken to him recently?”  
  
“Not really. He’s been… cold. And I get it. I walked away, and I hurt his feelings. I don’t blame him, after…” _what you made me do_ stayed unspoken, but they both heard it. “Anyway, it’s Bethany’s day, and I don’t want to make a scene and piss him off any more than I already have. He’s moved on.” The image of Carver and Merrill spinning around the dance floor laughing flashed in his mind.   
  
“Well, it’s in the past now anyway. Don’t let me interrupt your evening.” _It’s a little late for that_ , Felix thought, “but I wanted to ask you…”  
  
Felix listened for a few more minutes until he had satisfied Gereon’s interest in the high ranking people attending. He hung up his phone and turned it off before sliding it back into his pocket, not needing any more interruptions tonight. Seeing Carver had been hard enough, but defending the man to his father had been painful. Felix knew all the reasons Carver was a great person, and his accomplishments were only a small part of it. Rehashing all of the reasons Felix fell for him and all the ways he had changed in the intervening years… Felix didn’t need to deal with this now.   
  
Footsteps approached from behind him, and Felix smoothed the anguish from his face into a placid mask. He hoped it was just another stranger seeking solitude and fresh air, but that hope was crushed when he felt the heat of another body beside him.  
  
He peeked out of the corner of his eye and— _Kaffas_. It would be the one person he really didn’t want to see right then. Felix supposed it was karma. Carver wasn’t looking at him, just staring out in the same direction towards the gardens.  
  
They stood in silence for a few minutes and Felix felt restlessness in his limbs. He had trained himself long ago not to fidget or squirm, not to risk showing weakness in Minrathous, but being around Carver again seemed to undo all his hard work.   
  
“So.” Carver’s voice sent a shiver down Felix’s spine. “I didn’t think you’d come.”  
  
Felix turned to look at Carver fully. “And miss Bethany’s wedding? When she sent me a personal invitation? Never.”   
  
Carver hummed in acknowledgement. “You haven’t come to see us in ten years, I didn’t think anything would bring you back.”  
  
Felix felt his cheeks flush in shame, and he turned back to face the darkness. “Yes, well. I didn’t think there was any reason for me to come back.”  
  
They stood in uncomfortable silence for another few moments. All Felix could think about were the painful months after leaving Lothering, when he missed Carver like a lost limb, part of him sundered leaving a bloody open wound. Felix had been so lonely in the Circle, only ever drawn out of his shell by Dorian. Carver’s anger when Felix left had been righteous, Felix knew that, so he hadn’t wanted to reach out and make it any worse.   
  
“I was sorry to hear about your mother,” Felix said softly. He had always liked Leandra, when she treated him like just another one of her kids running around and causing trouble. She had been reinstated as Lady Amell about three years before when Marian had taken Kirkwall by storm, appearing out of nowhere with the old deed to the estate and an original crest. Lady Amell’s death made the papers even in Minrathous four months ago.  
  
Carver flinched and nodded. “Me too. It’s different, knowing she’s gone. Knowing they’re both gone.”   
  
Felix ached to reach out and touch Carver, to ground him and let him know someone cared. But they were past that. Felix hadn’t been that person in ten years. He clenched his fists where they rested on the cold stone.  
  
More silence. Felix gritted his teeth against the awkward tension.  
  
Felix heard his own voice despite knowing his rambling would likely end badly. “Congratulations, on your own success. The Hivernal engine you built, that’s amazing.” Felix turned to Carver, only to find the man already staring at him. Felix wished he still knew Carver well enough to read him, the hunch in his shoulders, the inscrutible look on his face, the slight furrow between his brows and the new crows feet around his eyes. Felix had missed so much.   
  
Carver shrugged, as if still unused to praise. “Thanks.”   
  
“Honestly, its brilliant. I knew you’d be.” Felix turned away quickly. That wasn’t what he meant to say. “I know your shops have been successful as of late. I hear a new one is opening in Val Royeaux soon.”  
  
Felix felt Carver’s heavy stare on the side of his face, but couldn’t bring himself to meet it. He knew he was babbling, but he couldn’t stop.   
  
“I also saw you dancing with your girlfriend, earlier. She looks lovely.” Why, why would he say something like that? The words were stilted, and Felix could only hope Carver had as much trouble reading him. “I wonder if there will be another Hawke wedding in the near future?” This conversation was going off the rails, further than Felix really wanted. He snapped his jaw shut with a click.   
  
The silence following his question grew tense, electric. If Carver reached out and touched him, Felix couldn’t guarantee he’d catch fire immediately.  
  
“Felix, it’s—“  
  
“There you are, love.” Dorian swanned over, impeccable timing as always. His arm wrapped around Felix’s waist, possessive and protective. No doubt Dorian could read the unhappiness in the line of his body, the stiffness in his shoulders, and meant this as a rescue. Maybe pretending Dorian was his own would get his mind off of Carver. It seemed unlikely, but it was all Felix could do. “I was wondering where you disappeared off to.”   
  
Although Felix wasn’t looking, he could sense Carver tensing, straightening his posture, his shoulders looming in the darkness, poised for a threat. “Right. Pavus. I’ve heard a lot about you.”   
  
Dorian raised an eyebrow. All three knew that Felix had talked endlessly about each man to the other. “Yes, of course. Felix mentioned you as well, each time he came _home_ to Minrathous.”   
  
“Dorian,” Felix warned softly.   
  
“I meant from Bethany.” Carver’s cheeks flushed under his beard and Felix felt terrible. “She follows you with the magic research thing.”  
  
He needed to escape. “Well—,” Felix hesitated, still unsure if he could use Carver’s given name any longer. “It was nice to see you. I wish you the best.” He tried to smile, but he knew it was weak.  
  
Carver just looked at him, studied his face as if he was memorizing it. He nodded. “You too, Felix.”   
  
With that, Felix fled back into the stuffy ballroom dragging Dorian behind him. He sat back down at their table, and ignored Bull’s concerned look. As happy as he was for Bethany, he just wanted this night to end. A few minutes later, Carver entered the ballroom in Felix’s peripheral vision. He chatted with Merrill, and they disappeared soon after.  
  
Felix gritted his teeth and tuned back into the inane conversation of the Orlesians at his table, still talking about absolutely nothing. That’s exactly what he needed: to think about absolutely nothing.


	4. dare not say that a man forgets sooner than a woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix has a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted the first half of this on my tumblr for a prompt, but I've edited it a little and added a few things, so if it seems familiar, that's why.
> 
> also, I'm sorry.

Felix fell onto his back, out of breath and laughing. “I win!” The grass scratched his skin and the setting sun left him summer-warm.  
  
Carver tumbled down beside him, sweaty limbs outstretched and grabby. Felix turned his head to look at Carver, and felt the familiar swell of butterflies erupt in his belly. He was young, so impossibly young and full of life. Had they both been this young and carefree before? “’S’not fair, Fee, you have longer legs.”   
  
Carver was the most beautiful person he had ever seen, especially times like now when he grinned so wide his face looked like it would split in half. His cheeks were ruddy and dimpled, and Felix stifled the urge to press kisses to them.   
  
Bethany fell on his other side with a little ‘oof’ and splayed her arms and legs out like a starfish, one falling on Felix’s face. “No, brother, you’re just a sore loser.” She stuck her tongue out at Carver, who responded by thwacking her on the shoulder. After a short wrestling match where Bethany came out on top, they flopped to either side of Felix once again. All three lay for a few minutes in the light of the setting sun, breathing heavy and calming slowly, watching the sky change colors with the twilight.  
  
The little glade where they lay was one of their familiar haunts, on the edge of Felix’s family’s property. It was enclosed on one side by a gentle stream and a circle of tall trees around it. Since he began coming here five years ago with his father each summer, he spent almost every waking moment with the Hawke twins. Most of the time, they ran around the Hawkes’ farm or the Alexius’ vast property, chasing and exploring and adventuring. Some of his best memories were spent here in Lothering, so far from the expectations and rigor of Minrathous.   
  
He ignored the pang in his stomach when he thought about leaving a few days from now, to go back to Minrathous and start his new classes in the Circle. His father was so excited, and Felix didn’t have the heart to disappoint him by not pursing advanced degrees in his magical studies. He carefully did not think about this being his last summer in Lothering, maybe the last time he’d see Carver and Bethany ever. They would certainly never come to Minrathous, and since his father would sell their summer home soon, Felix would have no reason to return here.   
  
“That one looks like a bunny.” Bethany’s voice broke through his increasingly depressing thoughts, and her hand pointed to the sky, toward a cloud that did indeed look like a bunny. The underside burned yellow-gold against the orange sky.   
  
“Nuh uh, it’s more like a dragon,” Carver argued. They bickered over Felix for a few minutes about the merits of cloud bunnies versus cloud dragons, and Felix let the familiar banter wash over him.   
  
They grew quiet after a few minutes to watch the sky light up with the sunset; brilliant colors reflecting on the clouds, blue fading into pink, yellow, orange. Felix sighed, content.   
  
As the last light dimmed and the stars peeked out, Bethany sat up. “I need to go help Marian clean up from dinner,” she lamented.   
  
Carver snorted. “Go find the baker’s boy, you mean.” He started making kissy noises, and she smacked him on the shoulder; their wrestling match began anew. After a few minutes Carver surrendered, and Bethany stood to leave. The boys waved goodbye as she slipped into the trees, leaving them behind in the quiet of the glade.   
  
Carver shifted until his head rested on Felix’s shoulder, and Felix’s arm came around to smooth over his back. They curled together, listening to the night come alive around them with bugs chirping, animals rustling through the brush, fish flapping on the surface of the stream.   
  
“I don’t want to go,” Felix whispered. The familiar ball of anxiety reappeared in his chest.   
  
Carver sighed. “Me neither.”   
  
Felix blinked back tears. He had friends in Minrathous, certainly Dorian would object to being overlooked, but none of them meant the same to him as Carver did.  
  
Carver shifted up onto one elbow, leaned over until his face blocked the sky from Felix’s vision. Everything narrowed to him, the bulk of his body pressed up against Felix, the way he always smelled of old sweat and engine oil and boy, how his eyes were a deep cerulean in the darkness rather than the bright piercing blue in the daytime. Carver’s eyes darted down to Felix’s lips, and Felix felt warmth rise to his cheeks.   
  
“Carver…” Felix watched Carver’s throat work at the sound of his name and Felix felt that surge of warmth again, this time lower in his belly.   
  
Carver leaned down until Felix had to close his eyes to keep them from crossing. The brush of Carver’s lips against his own sent sparks through him, like his whole body was bright and vibrant, like they could spend eternity in this perfect moment. Felix’s hands moved to spread over the breadth of his back, pressing gently.   
  
Felix tilted his head, the new angle giving a different friction that made Carver give a little noise. Felix wanted to hear it again, so he poked the tip of his tongue between his lips, licked across the seam of Carver’s mouth. They spent long minutes exploring and discovering what made the other squirm or whimper. It felt endless and beautiful and Felix couldn’t imagine a moment better than this.   
  
When Carver finally pulled back, his cheeks were flushed and his gaze sharp on Felix’s. His free hand curled around Felix’s ear and his thumb brushed Felix’s cheek.   
  
“Stay here, with me,” he whispered, and it felt like the spell around them shattered. Felix thought about his father, probably packing their belongings this very moment, the airplane ride that loomed large in the immediate future.   
  
“I can’t,” and he hated the way his voice broke.   
  
“Then let’s run away.” Felix felt his breath catch in his chest, the first spark of hope catching. “We’ll go to Denerim, or Lake Calenhad, or anywhere you want, but let’s be _together_.” Carver’s words were so tempting. He could see it: Carver working in another mechanic’s shop, coming home greasy and sweaty, Felix attending the Circle in Fereldan instead, or maybe doing something else entirely, living together in a small apartment, bodies entwined like this every night together, _happy_.   
  
Carver smiled at whatever expression crossed Felix’s face, and he dipped down for another kiss. Felix’s arms wrapped tightly around Carver until they were pressed together from shoulder to thigh. The bubble in his chest grew and grew, a happiness he didn’t recognize, until he felt it suffocating him.   
  
He broke away to press their foreheads together, sucking in deep breaths to keep calm. “I want to, Carver,” he whispered against Carver’s mouth. He wanted more than anything. He felt Carver’s answering smile, and the universe seemed to click into place. “Yes, yes of course, let’s do it.”   
  
The scene shifted just before their lips meet again. Suddenly, Felix was standing on the carpet in front of his father’s desk. His jaw tilted up in youthful defiance.  
  
Gereon sighed. “Felix. Stop this. You are not going to run away with a Ferelden farm boy.” He sat behind the massive dark wood of his desk, all sharp angles and silver finishings. The heavy curtains kept the room dark and warm, the dim light only coming from the lamp at the edge of his desk. Tall bookshelves covered each wall, full of tomes his father would never read.   
  
“But I love him!” Felix stomped his foot on the ground, knowing it was childish but not able to stop. “I don’t want to go to the Circle, I never did.”  
  
Gereon shook his head, and Felix hated how condescending it was. He was nineteen, he wasn’t a child any longer. “Son, you don’t know what’s best for you. You will go to the Circle, you will study until you are a Senior Enchanter. When I resign, you will take my seat in the Magisterium with a pretty wife and an heir. That’s how life is for us, and how it will be for you.”  
  
Felix hesitated. He had never fought his father’s decisions before. Even when he found himself in trouble with Dorian or with the Hawkes, he accepted the punishment and the lesson learned. Gereon loved him, and wanted the best for him in all things. Felix knew this, and if he said this was the right path for him…  
  
“Felix,” his voice was gentle. “My son. You’ve seen how poverty is here. Carver, as much as you love him, is only a mechanic. He cannot give you the life you deserve. And once you’re here, what will you do with your life? The Circle here is a far cry from the one in Minrathous, letting in all kinds of people. Love cannot put food on your table or a roof over your head.”  
  
Felix’s head bowed. He swallowed against the burning in his throat.  
  
“Go finish packing. We leave in the morning. If you need to say goodbye to the Hawkes, do so soon.” Felix heard the scratching of his father’s pen, and knew he was dismissed.  
  
As he left through the door to his father’s study, he walked into the Hawke’s small front room. The fireplace crackled merrily and the scent of roasting meat wafted from the cookpot above it. This was familiar, felt more like home than the place he slept most nights. He had sunk into the soft worn cushions of this sofa or rolled around on the thin rug with the twins and the dog, or slurped up whatever meal Leandra made at the long wooden table with the family.   
  
Leandra squeezed him tight in her embrace. “Oh Felix, I will miss you.” Felix wrapped his arms around her, clinging to the memory of a mother’s love, knowing this would not happen again anytime soon.   
  
Malcolm clapped him on the shoulder. “Stay out of trouble, son.” He wrapped an arm around Leandra as she wiped away a tear, and they moved over to the sink to clean up. Felix wondered if he would see or feel affection like that again anytime soon.   
  
Bethany grabbed his hand and pulled him outside, away from the adults, and they ran.  
  
They met Carver in that same clearing, the one with so many good memories. Felix felt the burning behind his eyes, the scratching in his throat, and he bit back the tears.  
  
“You better write to me,” Bethany demanded as she squeezed the life out of him. He couldn’t help the tears that poured out of him into Bethany’s hair. Carver came over to hug them from behind, wrapping his arms all the way around Bethany’s back, and Felix was surrounded by warmth and love and everything he wanted.   
  
After a few minutes, he calmed. Their embrace relaxed and they sat down in the grass. Bethany started talking about all her plans for this year as she braided a daisy chain idly. Her parents didn’t want her going to a Circle just yet, even though she was bright enough to take the university by storm. She wanted to visit her mother’s family in Kirkwall for Satinalia, but something about her cousin made it difficult. Felix couldn’t concentrate enough to tell what.  
  
Carver pulled Felix into his lap, smoothing his big hands across Felix’s back and pressing kisses into his hair. Felix pressed his nose into the crook of Carver’s neck and tried to memorize the feel of his arms, the smell of his hair, the sound of his even breaths. Bethany paused and recognized her audience was no longer paying any attention. She pulled Felix into a hug and he felt the familiar burn of tears behind his eyes.   
  
“Goodbye, Felix. I’ll see you soon, yeah?”  
  
Felix nodded, unable to deny her anything. “Bye, Bethany. I’ll miss you.” She smiled gently, rubbed a thumb against his cheek affectionately, and made her way across the glade and into the trees.  
  
Felix looked up into Carver’s face, and the peace and excitement on his features made Felix’s heart break a little. Carver still thought they were going to run away together, to a life of love and poverty and—   
  
Carver noticed the tears welling in Felix’s eyes and this blissful expression changed into concern. “Fee?”  
  
“I’m going back to Minrathous,” he whispered.   
  
“Yeah, but… you’ll come back, right?”  
  
Felix shook his head. “I have to go to the Circle. I can’t… I can’t stay here.”  
  
Carver shifted back. “Why not? Don’t you want to be with me?”  
  
“I do,” Felix hated the pleading in his voice, but he just wanted Carver to see. “I do want to be with you, but I have to go back. I need to get my degree, and be a Magister, and get married.”  
  
“We can get married,” Carver said, but it sounded far away.   
  
Felix shook his head again and felt fresh tears roll down his cheeks. “No, we can’t. Not in Tevinter.”   
  
“But, why not?”   
  
“We’re men, it’s not done. I have to find a wife so I can be a Magister, and my father said—“  
  
“So you want to impress your father more than you want to be with me?” Carver’s words were sharp, came faster and louder, no longer confused but he didn’t _understand_ , Felix needed to make him see. “You want to be a Magister, it’s that important to you? You said you didn’t even—“   
  
The sorrow on Carver’s face was unbearable. Felix pressed his face into Carver’s neck, and tried to burrow into Carver’s chest, as if that would make them intertwined forever, not to part again.   
  
Carver’s arms squirmed and pushed him away. Carver looked angry now, resigned, cold. “If that’s how you want it to be, then fine. If you don’t want to be with me, if you want to go back to Minrathous instead of me, fine.” He stood and Felix tumbled from his lap.  
  
“Carver, it’s not—“ Carver silenced him with a wave of his hand, and he stalked off. “Please, Carver!” The shouted words did not make him slow or stop or even look back. The angry line of his shoulders disappeared into the darkness, and Felix couldn’t move. The hot sting of tears on his face burned with anger and shame and despair.   
  
Felix slowly rose to consciousness, crying and messy, feeling like his heart had been ripped out again. The room was unfamiliar and dark, and it took Felix another moment to realize he was still in Orlais. Bethany was married, Felix was on his way to be a Magister, and Carver was happy with a beautiful elf girl. Felix was twenty-nine and alone, far from home and it was just a dream.


	5. you pierce my soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix attends a party, a conspiracy, and a confrontation.
> 
> TW: some implied transphobia

“Come now, Felix, it won’t be that bad,” Mae said as she fixed her lipstick in her hand mirror.  
  
Felix grunted in reply and looked out of the tinted window. It certainly wouldn’t be that bad for Mae, who would attend the Event of the Season on the arm of her beloved husband and would receive an enthusiastic welcome from everyone there. She was bright and witty and beautiful, always comfortable in any situation and dressed to kill. Felix, on the other hand, was not sure what kind of reception awaited him.  
  
She smacked her lips and dabbed them with a tissue before snapping the mirror closed. “Felix, I will not sit here and watch you pine. You want that boy, then go after him. It’s as simple as that.”  
  
Felix looked to Thorold, who immediately started tapping on his own phone to avoid eye contact. Traitor. “Mae, I don’t know how much Dorian told you, but really. I’m not pining. It’s over. It’s been over for years. He’s moved on, I’ve moved on, everyone is fine. Please, don’t try and help me.” He had not spent the past three months since Bethany’s wedding pining, nor the ten years before that.  
  
Mae sniffed and raised her chin. “I can’t make a promise like that, darling, not after watching you the whole trip here.”  
  
Felix crossed his arms and his mouth pressed into a thin line. His anxiety as they flew into Denerim came from the flight, and the exhausting travel, and the pressure of this evening’s events, and had nothing to do with pining. No matter how many times he told her, she would not listen. Felix threw his hands in the air and gave up.  
  
The limo was silent and uncomfortable for a few more minutes, Mae glaring at Felix, Felix staring out of the window, and Thorold giggling at something on his phone. Felix sent a short prayer up to the Maker and his Bride as the limo slowed in front of the palace, and a footman opened the door.  
  
Their arrival in Denerim was chaotic, to say the least. Photographers lined up on either side of the red carpet leading into the doors, and Felix kept a polite smile as he rushed inside. Mae and Thorold took their sweet time, Mae posing for the cameras blowing kisses and looking over her shoulder with a sultry expression. Her low-cut silver dress with sequins at the shoulders and waist made her glitter like a star, and Thorold’s matching tie made them quite the sight, sure to be on the society pages the next day.  
  
Once indoors, Thorold introduced them to his cousin Varric, who got them the official invite to the party. The King of Ferelden’s birthday party wasn’t exclusive if you knew who could pull the right strings. Not to mention the other reason for their attendance, but that one wasn’t publicized.  
  
Felix exchanged a friendly handshake with the Viscount, recalling their first meeting in Kirkwall several months before. Varric led them to meet the reigning monarchs, and Felix bowed to King Alistair and Queen Elissa. They sat in majestic thrones covered in gilt and jewels, perfect to display their impressive wealth and might.  
  
The Tevinters and the dwarves swept into the ballroom proper, and Felix steeled himself for another night of stilted conversation and polite disinterest.  
  
Felix cursed under his breath as Mae immediately abandoned him to greet Thorold’s Merchant Guild contacts. He should have seen it coming. Felix made his way through the crowd to the refreshment table, suddenly and desperately in need of a drink.  
  
As he took the first sip of his cocktail, Magister Danarius appeared at his side, and Felix felt everything inside him freeze. This was an unexpected surprise, and not a pleasant one.  
  
“Altus Felix, I am surprised to see another of my countrymen here in Ferelden.” His voice was soft and disarming, meant to lull him into a sense of complacency. The man’s reputation as a coldhearted, ruthless schemer kept Felix on his toes.  
  
“Magister.” He greeted the man with a deferential bow. Danarius’ eyes held cold fury, and Felix slid his own courtly mask into place. “I could say the same for you. I’m here with Magister Tilani, her husband has connections with the Merchants’ Guild, and she was lovely enough to invite me to attend with her. Might I ask how you came to be here?”  
  
“The Archon received an invitation, but found he had a conflict in his calendar. I am here on his behalf.”  
  
Felix felt his stomach roil. This was a hitch in the plan. Each head of state received an invitation to the King’s party, but no one actually expected someone from Tevinter to attend. If he had known the Archon would send a representative… No matter. They would adjust. He smiled civilly at Danarius. “It is so good to see our leader reaching out in friendship to Ferelden.”  
  
Danarius sneered. “Making friends with these dog-lords would not be my first choice for diplomacy, but His Radiance disagrees.”  
  
Felix nodded and hummed as he took a sip from his drink. He turned from Danarius’ somber presence towards the rest of the ballroom. Maeveris appeared in a gap through the crowd, and she gestured to him. “Please, excuse me. I believe Mae needs my assistance.” He felt Danarius’ dark gaze on his back as he left, and Felix tried to keep his pace steady and calm, to not betray any of his inner agitation at the appearance of the Archon’s man.  
  
The time had come. Mae swept him into a side hallway, practically shouting about the powder room before taking a side door leading down a steep flight of stairs.  
  
The dungeons in the royal palace were dim, damp, and depressing. As they made their way deeper into the bowels of the palace, Felix felt a shiver run up his spine. He was never quite as proficient with magic as his father had hoped, but this place set off warning bells in his mind.  
  
Mae counted doors along the walls, and stopped in front of a particularly intimidating one. She pushed it open and the hinges creaked loudly in the claustrophobic air. The large round room had people already milling about, speaking in hushed whispers. Several people turned at their entrance, and King Alistair called out. “Finally, the Tevinters have arrived. We might begin, then.”  
  
Felix met the eyes of each guest in the room, many of whom he recognized. First Enchanter Vivienne of the Montsimmard Circle, Viscount Varric, Lady Seeker Cassandra, Prince Sebastian, and Carver Hawke. His heart flew into his throat at Carver’s unexpected presence, but when Felix didn’t see Marian among the guests, he assumed the man was taking his sister’s place. Why not add one more hitch in his night, it had been going so terribly before.  
  
King Alistair introduced everyone, including Guard-Lieutenant Donnic Hendyr representing his wife the Guard-Captain, the new Left Hand of the Divine Charter, Ambassador Briala on behalf of Empress Celene, and Ser Michel de Chevin for the Orlesian Chevaliers.  
  
“Now that everyone has settled, let us begin the proceedings. How shall we overthrow the Archon of Tevinter?”  
  
—  
  
As Felix crept out of the dungeon, the unpleasant sensation of being watched did not leave. Alistair had noted several times quite vehemently that they were not _dungeons_ they were simply _alternative accommodations for unpleasant guests_. Felix didn’t want to argue that the exposed rock walls and iron wrought “decorations” didn’t totally support his comment.  
  
Regardless, Felix wanted to get back to the ballroom as quickly as possible. He took a circuitous route, trying to leave the heavy conversation back in that room where it belonged. He knew what he was involved in would be considered treason, and his life would be forfeit, but he could stay silent no longer. The Lucerni party, headed by Maeveris in the Magisterium and Dorian in the Circle, needed outside help. As long as the Archon committed to bringing the progressives down, they needed a new plan.  
  
Felix sighed heavily. He did not want it to be quite like this, collecting powerful outsiders to help wreak havoc on his homeland, but there seemed to be no other choice.  
  
He was caught up in his thoughts when Danarius swooped down upon him, seemingly out of nowhere. “My dear Altus,” he began in a sickly sweet tone that chilled Felix’s blood. “You disappeared in the middle of our conversation. I cannot abide such rudeness.” The glint in his eye made Felix’s palms start to sweat. He knew something. Felix made his face as placid as a frozen lake.  
  
“I apologize, Magister, it was never intended as a slight. I simply needed some air.”  
  
He hummed, not buying it. “Of course, just taking a stroll with your… friend. Where is she, by the way?”  
  
Felix schooled his expression to keep the disgust from his face. The way Danarius said _she_ left a bad taste in his mouth. Each conspirator had taken a different way out of the dungeon, and Felix had been one of the first to leave. Mae likely still remained down in the depths of the castle. “Still in the powder room, one would assume. Now that you are here, if you are on your way back to the ballroom, would you mind my company?”  
  
Danarius tutted at his deflection. His eyes glinted like a predator who has caught wind of his prey after a long chase. “Now, Felix, let’s not fool ourselves. We both know all of the major parties at this event disappeared at the same time. Most guests by this time of the night are well into their cups, and would not notice. I, however, represent the _Archon_. I would not let something like that slip by.” He took a step forward, leaning into Felix’s space. He was not much taller than Felix, but somehow his presence loomed, and the intimidation tactic made Felix’s insides curl and writhe. He remained silent.  
  
“Let’s make a deal, shall we? You tell me exactly who you were meeting with, and I shall sing your praises to the Archon. Your rise to the Magisterium shall be rapid and you’ll receive all the protection that the leader of the _civilized_ world can offer.”  
  
He paused, and Felix felt icy fingers grip tighten around his chest. When Felix said nothing, Danarius continued. “Maybe power isn’t what you seek. How about… protection? Your friend Tilani isn’t as secure in her seat as she thinks. _Her_ power could unravel rather quickly, and then where would _she_ be standing?”  
  
Danarius looked down his nose at Felix, narrowing his eyes. “Perhaps she is not the one you are protecting. I’ve seen you with those Kirkwall scum, the Hawkes.” It took everything inside Felix to remain still and not give away how quickly his heart started racing. “I believe the boy is… rather unprotected. No title or position for him, eh? I have a feeling he might be… vulnerable.”  
  
All of the worst case scenarios played through Felix’s mind: Carver disappearing, Carver being held in prison in Minrathous for a trumped up charge, Carver found dead by mysterious assassins… Felix’s calm smile twitched in the corner, but he shook his head gently. “As tempting as your offer is, Danarius, I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
  
Danarius’ face hardened. “Don’t play dumb,” he snapped. “Your Lucerni cannot hide forever.”  
  
Footsteps echoed through the dank corridor, and Danarius took a smooth step backwards to clasp his hands behind him, puffing out his chest. “As I was saying, I look forward to seeing you in Minrathous for the start of the season, Alexius. The Archon and I will be very interested to see what happens.”  
  
Felix nodded as Danarius swept away, long cloak billowing behind him. After Danarius turned the corner, definitely out of earshot, Felix let out a nervous breath and fell against the stone wall.  
  
“Fee?” Carver’s voice came out of the darkness, and Felix turned to see his silhouette outlined by the weak electric lights strung along the walls. “Who was that?” His voice was grave, and Felix wondered how much he heard before his footsteps gave him away.  
  
“Magister Danarius. He’s going to be trouble.” Felix had mentioned the man’s presence to the others earlier, but this new development signaled something worse.  
  
Carver came closer until only a few steps separated them. His eyes were dark in the shadows, filled with questions. “We need to tell the others.”  
  
Felix nodded. “Yes, but not immediately. We need to rejoin the ball as soon as possible; if Danarius noticed, others must have.” Felix tilted his head and Carver followed.  
  
They made their way toward the ballroom, silence stretching between them. They threaded through the crowd, far enough to discount any association between them, but close enough to keep tabs on the other. Felix thought his eyes hardly left Carver’s head above the crowd, knowing he was now in danger for his association with Felix. He took a deep breath to keep the fear at bay.    
  
Felix mingled for a few minutes until he saw Mae and Lady Seeker Pentaghast finally arrive in the ballroom. Then, no longer able to keep up an untroubled facade, he fled.  
  
—  
  
Rumor had it that when the King and Queen fell in love, when he was just a royal bastard and she one of the last Grey Warden soldiers, he gave her a rose bloom as a token of his love. Somehow the flower managed to live through their travels together during the civil war, and when they married, the Queen carried the single stem instead of a full bouquet.  
  
Whether the story was true or not did not matter. The royal couple cultivated it, and the garden was the affirmation of the story. The paths were filled with fragrant blooming roses, a statement about the true love between the monarchs and the stability of their reign.  
  
Felix strolled between the rose bushes with no real direction, following the cobblestones and the fairy lights, until the palace was only a bright light in the distance. The manicured gardens eventually gave way to a more rural area, with fish ponds, wildflowers, and copses of trees. If Felix closed his eyes and stretched his magic out into the flora, he could almost imagine being back in Lothering. His father’s estate had a similar “wild” garden, the one where he spent so much time, first when he was alone, feeling lonely and despondent so far from Minrathous and all his friends, then with Carver and Bethany.  
  
It felt inevitable when he heard Carver approach, like the change of the seasons and the tide. Who else would have followed him? Felix did not turn from where he gazed out over the pond, keeping his eyes distant and his body relaxed.  
  
“Fee?” At his nickname, the one so familiar and well-loved, he closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and tried to quell the ache in his breast as he looked over.  
  
Felix couldn’t read Carver’s expression in the darkness. The full moon illuminated the ripples in the water and the stones along the path, but left Carver’s face in shadow. His formal suit emphasized his broad shoulders, the dark shirt and tie beneath the burgundy suit very chic. His hands fidgeted at his sides, and Felix wondered if he still felt nerves from their conspiratorial meeting and almost discovery.  
  
“Carver.” Felix relished the name in his mouth, wondering how much longer he would be able to use it.  
  
“Why are you out here by yourself?” Carver took a step closer.  
  
Felix shrugged and slid his hands into his pockets, looked back out over the water. “It was stuffy in the ballroom. Anyway, my business here is finished, having met the others, and everything after.”  
  
Carver was silent for a moment. “So, you’re going back to Minrathous now.”  
  
“Yes, I suppose.” Felix’s voice was distant, as if it was of no import. As if leaving Carver again and again was nothing. “Mae needs the political support for the Lucerni. Dad can’t help her just yet, he needs to stay in the pocket of the Venatori for now. Since I’m next in line, it makes sense.”  
  
“Are you… coming back to Kirkwall? As Ambassador?”  
  
Felix kept his eyes on the water, watching the ripples where little fish breached the surface and the glimmer of the moonlight. “Maybe. I might need to, to see your sister or Varric but… we’ll see what happens next.”  
  
They said nothing for a few minutes. Critters moved in the underbrush, owls hooted low and long, and Carver’s footsteps on the path crept closer. The chilly night air made Felix shiver, but still he felt overheated and his palms began to sweat.  
  
“I heard what you said. To Danarius. About us.” Felix whipped his head around to look at Carver. Carver’s heavy gaze pinned Felix where he stood, and panic surged through him. Felix could reach out and touch him now, only a foot between them.  
  
Felix ached to do it, to reach out and reassure him with a hug or a hand on his shoulder. “You know I would never let him hurt you. I won’t let that happen.” His fists clenched inside his pockets with anger blooming in his chest. Now that the situation and the immediate danger were distant, Felix felt rage replace his fear. How dare Danarius insult and threaten someone close to him? Felix vowed to destroy the man, once he arrived back home.  
  
Carver smiled, the fond look so different from the scowls Felix had received during their last few encounters. The crows feet around his eyes creased and a dimple appeared in his cheek. “I know. I also, um. I heard what you said at Bethany’s wedding. To your Dad.”  
  
Felix’s face burned and he turned back to the water. He folded his arms across his chest and his shoulders rose and tightened. “That… you weren’t meant to hear that.” _Maker_ , what had he said? He knew he had too passionately defended Carver’s finer qualities, but he wasn’t sure if he said anything embarrassing. Like how he was still deeply in love with this wonderful man.  
  
Felix closed his eyes. He couldn’t keep lying to himself. He still loved Carver. After everything, that wasn’t something he could just turn off. Even if Carver would never love him back, even if Felix had to attend the man’s wedding and look at his sure to be gorgeous children, Felix knew that somewhere deep down he would love Carver until he died.  
  
“I didn’t know you followed me so closely after… after you left.”  
  
Felix’s brow furrowed. There was no way Felix could have left every part of him behind. He supposed a clean break was probably easier for Carver. Felix had never been good at those. “Yes, well.”  
  
Carver took that last step into his space. Felix felt the heat from his body, his warm breath on his shoulder, his gaze burning into Felix’s cheek.  
  
“Fee, I need to tell you.” Carver’s tone was different in a way Felix couldn’t define. He sounded tender, reverential, like he didn’t want to break the spell that fell across them here in the romantic garden so reminiscent of their childhood playground. Felix didn’t want to look at him, to hear whatever he was about to say, but he couldn’t have stayed away any more than he could fight gravity. Felix gave in and finally looked at him. A line appeared between his brows, his gaze downcast and focused, and he clasped his hands together as he spoke.  
  
 “When you left, you broke my heart. I didn’t think I would live through it. But I did, and a lot of the things I did after, some of them were self destructive but some of them were successful and made me a better person, but I did them all for you. I never…” He stopped, swallowed hard, and dropped his hands from where they fidgeted before him. “Merrill isn’t my girlfriend. And I’m pretty sure Dorian isn’t your boyfriend, if the way I saw him and the Qunari grinding on the dance floor at Bethany’s wedding was any indication. But, I moved on. For ten years.”  
  
Carver returned his gaze, the expression broke Felix’s heart. They stood close enough that Felix could see his eyes glinting in the moonlight, deep and pained and vulnerable.  
  
“Now, though… Fee, you have to know. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope, wondering if the words you said to your father and to Danarius and to everyone else except me are true. If you really think such good things about me, I can only hope that you feel the same about me.  Despite everything, I am still yours.”  
  
Felix’s eyes slid shut and the breath punched out of his chest in a rush. This man. He moved into Carver’s space and swallowed hard. His hands rose to brush against Carver’s shoulders, more tentative and hesitant than he would have liked. When he opened his eyes, Carver returned his gaze, steady as ever.  
  
“I don’t deserve you, Carver,” he whispered. In a more firm voice, he continued. “I never wanted to leave. I really did want to run away with you, to find an apartment and a dog and live happily ever after. That was all I wanted, and for years I beat myself up for running away. Now I realize I wouldn’t have been happy. I needed to get out from under my father’s thumb and grow, and I think you did too. I wish I had just talked to you, told you more instead of… I can’t change the past, but please forgive me.” Carver’s hands gripped his waist and sent fire shooting across Felix’s skin.  
  
“Done.”  
  
Felix huffed out a breath, almost a laugh. “Just like that? After everything?”  
  
Carver nudged their noses together, their warm breath mingling against the chill of the evening. “Just like that.”  
  
Their mouths met, pulled together like magnets, like a string connected them through the years and the distance, and finally they were both where they needed to be. It was familiar and new, heated and tentative, overwhelming and never enough.  
  
Carver’s soft lips pressed against his and his tongue teased through the seam of Felix’s own, twisting into his mouth and blocking out every sensation except where they fused together. Felix’s hands slid up Carver’s neck, pressing into his nape and his short hair, and Carver’s hands pulled against Felix’s back until they were touching from knee to chest.  
  
They re-entered the ballroom much later, after wandering the paths and kissing under the moonlight. Carver had a rose in his lapel and Felix one in his inner breast pocket, close to his heart.  
  
Mae gave him a look as he followed Carver through the double doors. Her narrowed eyes flicked between them until they flew wide open and she brought a hand to her mouth. She bent to whisper into Thorold’s ear, and he turned to look as well. That caused Varric and Lady Seeker Cassandra to turn, and a group of gossiping Orleasian nobles followed their lead, and Felix felt his face burn with all the new attention.  
  
Carver stopped walking as he noticed all the stares and whispers following their entrance. The bottom of Felix’s stomach dropped out at the hesitance now covering his face.  
  
Felix gritted his teeth. “If you want to split up, make it less obvious…” He couldn’t finish the sentence, he didn’t want to say it, never wanted to be apart from Carver again, but he didn’t want to make the man uncomfortable in front of all these people.  
  
Carver turned to look at him, his expression wounded. “You don’t… you don’t want to be seen with me?”  
  
“Of course not! I just… you look uncomfortable. I don’t want to make your position here any more difficult than it already is.”  
  
Carver’s brow came down in steely determination. He grabbed Felix’s hand and laced their fingers together, squeezing almost until to the point of pain. “Felix, I want to be seen with you everywhere, all the time, forever. Never doubt that.”  
  
A goofy smile covered Felix’s face and he tightened his own hand where they were linked. “Of course. Me, too. I love you.”  
  
With that, they turned to the crowd together, shoulder to shoulder, side by side.

**Author's Note:**

> chapter titles come from the text of _Persuasion_.


End file.
